


Everything You Wanted

by OnTheGround2012



Series: Stream of consciousness in 5 episodes [3]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Denial, Desperation, Emotions, Episode Related, Fear, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, M/M, Realization, Regret, Self-Denial, Self-Doubt, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 17:46:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8632531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheGround2012/pseuds/OnTheGround2012
Summary: Lukas's feelings when his father says that Philip is gone (1.06)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my third fic for Eyewitness after ["You're Not This Guy"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8486389) (1.01) and ["In Another World"](http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/19329193) (1.03), so this is my second time writing in the second person and it still feels like an experiment, so yeah, it's hard to write and it can be hard to read but [ladysofialara](http://ladysofialara.tumblr.com/) asked me if I could write something about those scenes and I wanted to give it a try. Thanks for pushing me to do it.
> 
> Of course, this is _my_ version, this is how I see Lukas and I don't expect other people to see him the same way. And regarding what he told his father, obviously we don't know yet, therefore I had to go with what I think happened.

Somehow you've convinced yourself.

You tell yourself you need to stay away from him. You tell yourself you can do it.

You avoid him.

You tell him to stop stalking you.

You avoid his messages.

You accuse him of lying.

You accuse him of making you steal.

You push him away at the party.

You take him home but he's drunk and he's not part of your life because you've told yourself he can't be. You need to focus on what really matters and he can't be a part of that.

You've given him pretty much every reason in the world to hate you but for some reason you've never stopped to think about it. You're too happy about this sponsorship to think about anything else. You don't want to think about anything else.

Because this is what you've been waiting for. This is your chance. And you want it so badly, that everything else fades away. You make him fade away. Just like that. There's only Rose, your friends, your father, your motocross, everything that has always been there. Everything you thought was important. Everything you wanted. Everything you still want.

You can stay focused.

You can keep your grades up.

You can keep clean.

You can stay out of trouble.

You can hang with the right crowd.

Of course, you can do all that. That's your thing. You're totally there.

Until you hear it.

_Gone._

For a moment you're not sure what he means but you can't help it, your heart starts beating faster. You don't like that word.

_Helen and Gabe are taking Philip back to social services or somewhere._

_Social services_

_Somewhere_

_Somewhere else._

Really gone.

Not the kind of gone where you'll still see him from afar.

Not the kind of gone where he'll meet you when you decide you two need to hang out.

No. Just really gone.

And you did this. And you're supposed to want this because you don't want to be that guy. Nobody wants you to be that guy. But _what if you are?_

This time your father and this guy fade away. Just like that. You can't hear them. You don't know how this is happening.

And it feels like you can't breath. And you heart keeps beating too fast.

You remember the file he sent you and you wonder. Maybe that's the last thing you'll ever have from him and you didn't even look at it.

So you do it. You open it and you see the way he sees _you_. The way nobody else sees you. And you see _him_. Smiling. Gorgeous. With you, having fun. That day was so much fun. You only have fun when you are with him. You're yourself only when you are with him. Of course, you know that. He makes you smile and he makes you laugh.

That's Philip.

That's the guy who likes you and supports you despite everything you've done to him. Despite everything you've asked him to do for you. The one who talked to his mom about you. The one you're going to lose if you haven't already. Because maybe you have. Maybe it's too late. But if it isn't, you need to do something about it.

Everything so that he's not really gone.

You need to come clean.

You need to admit that you lied.

You need to get there as fast as you can.

So you get up and you admit the truth to your father. Your part of the truth at least. Because you need to go and that's all you can think about. You say you'll tell him more later. That you have to go. And you grab the gun and you're gone.

Your heart won't slow down and you ride the bike faster than you should.

On the way there you can't stop thinking all the times you've fucked up. You know this is your fault. And you want to make it right. You want to fix it. You want him back.

You don't just _like_ him.

You love him. Now you _know_ that.

And somehow you get there in time because you see him in the car.

So you give Helen the gun and you admit that Philip never lied.

That you were there, in the cabin.

And you can't help the tear falling down your cheek because you caused this.

All this shit could have been avoided if you hadn't treated Philip the way you did. If you hadn't lied. If you hadn't been a coward.

But you _were_ a coward.

It hurts when you look at Philip and he looks away, but you're not surprised. You know you deserve it. So fucking much.

So you wonder if you were late after all.

You wonder if this time he won't forgive you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for checking it. If you wanna say hi on Tumblr, I'm [otg2012](http://otg2012.tumblr.com/).
> 
> It would be lovely to have some feedback.


End file.
